It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
