i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
