The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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