life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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