She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
