today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
