Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Randomize
