I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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