I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
