The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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