My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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