I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
