John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
