my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
