I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just sucked dick on a ferry
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
