I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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