I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
