she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
