mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
