My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
