so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
