yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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