Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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