a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
