I just cut my nipple shaving
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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