Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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