Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Alive.
So much puke
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
