ya dads aren't the best wingmen
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
