the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
