stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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