I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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