can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
