theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
