WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
