Got a toothbrush?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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