i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
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I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
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There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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