The maid of honor just puked.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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