If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
