When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
