who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
