My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
