i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
