I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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