So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
