You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
