the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
