I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
