Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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