I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
