If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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