Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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