I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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