so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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