i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
