Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
