I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
