you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm both gender and math confused
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
