seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
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This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
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We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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