the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
