John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just invented taco cereal.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
