so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
