I love black thongs
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
