What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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